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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2025|06:01 pm]
[music |justice v simian - "we are your friends"]


friends only
(comment here if you'd like me to add you)
Link52 cmmnts|lv cmmnt

(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2013|12:28 am]
I wrote this around 5 am on Wednesday morning when I should have been sleeping; but I am okay with it, and I am okay with the fact that I overslept and missed my class, because I realized something really important about myself.

10/9.

I have devoted so much time and energy and effort in my life, mostly unconsciously, to fight, to numb, to run away from that which I am now realizing is the most beautiful part of me: my heart. My heart is not wrong. My heart is filled with love, positively exploding with it; it lends my mind that boundless fascination through which I filter everything. I still love to stare at the clouds, their soft, untouchable, nebulous forms. I still love the sound of dry autumn leaves crackling beneath my feet. I still love the sensation of water on my skin, whether it trickles or pours or engulfs it. I am still absolutely in love with the brilliant yellow light that pours from the sun in the morning, streaming through window blinds, illuminating the open air. I still love the sound of rain crashing onto rooftops and parked cars—the sound of nature at its purest as it meets quintessential modernity. I still love learning a new word. I still love hugs and kisses and unadulterated excitement and affection.

My heart wants to trust people, to see their base intentions and needs with all the empathy and naivete that we all possess. My mind, with all its history, with all its artifacts and anecdotes and facts and assumptions and conclusions, tells me not to; and they fight and they fight and they fight.

I have long said that I felt that the idea that the heart is never wrong was untrue and unreliable, because the heart can trick the mind into pursuing things that are unwise. I have come to believe over time that emotions and logic have nothing to do with each other, inherently speaking, but I also absolutely feel that they can, and do, influence each other. One’s logical process is heavily influenced by emotional instincts, and similarly, emotional viewpoints can often be manipulated by reasoning, compartmentalization, and so on and so forth.
But this all convolutes that which is most clear and most pure: instinct and intuition.

Our hearts are all different, but they all have a sense of purity.

The heart cannot be wrong because it does not operate on the right-or-wrong terms of the mind.

And this is okay.

It is okay to feel, and feel fully. It is spectacular, even!

It is an amazing capability of ours as humans, as thoughtful, observant, sentient, emotional beings.

I have only recently begun to both acknowledge and accept that I am, really, underneath—or perhaps above—all of the persona and posturing and reasoning and assimilation, a deeply emotional being. I am a sensitive and sentimental creature. I, according to at least one other person who knows me well, really do wear my heart on my sleeve—more than I realize. I am vulnerable as anyone. I care about people.

I adore this earth and all of the things that make it up. I adore people for just being people, in all their complex glory. I can’t hate people, not truly, not completely. I can’t hate anyone because they are all just as complex and simple and unique and typical as I am. Who am I to judge? Who am I to hate? We are all, all of us, wonders of nature.

How could I even tell myself not to love? Not to crave intimacy, not to fall in love with everyone close to me, in all of their bold energies and storied pasts and brilliantly arranged appearances?

I notice these things. Certainly not all of the time, but I do.

I am enveloped in an awe and awareness of my surroundings.

Everything is an experience for me; every second counts.

I am trying to remember that, more and more. Every second is rich with reality and possibility.

So I am embracing this, this heart I have, this heart I seem to love abusing, ignoring, fighting until it makes it impossible for me to do so.

I am embracing my love and affection for others. I accept and embrace that I do care, and want to care, and want to be cared for by these beautiful people that cohabit this earth with me.

And my heart is not wrong.

Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Sep. 10th, 2012|05:23 am]
During one of the many general life conversations I had on my brother's wedding day (this past Saturday, the 8th), a family member expressed to me how it was such a shame that so many people go through life with talents and skills that they never use. She thought it was so great how I wasn't wasting mine, and I'm going to school to follow my dream and hone my talent in art (in more or less words).
I couldn't help but think, she's right, she's so right, but I think I am wasting my real talent.

I'm too pragmatic nowadays, I don't see the point of so many of the things I'm doing. It's time to move on and figure something out, and stop wasting my time.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2012|11:23 pm]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]

I hate monotony I hate working so much I hate being busy all the fucking time I hate my time management skills I hate stupidity I hate teenagers I hate that weird soreness/swelling in my lymph node I hate planning for school I hate being lonely I hate attracting all the attention I don't want I hate when I complain like this I hate growing up I hate bitchy coworkers I hate constant scheduling I hate planning ahead I hate that this is how life goes.
I'm incredibly free and I know that but I feel so trapped.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2012|04:00 am]
DAMMIT STOP I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME AND I CAN TELL THEY'RE STILL THERE AND FUCK
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2012|06:28 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

I don't think it's a good sign that I'm looking at all of these class offerings and thinking, "Why the fuck would I ever need to know how to do that? And why should I pay $2000 to learn skills I doubt I will ever use just to get a credit?"
Link2 cmmnts|lv cmmnt

brainstorming [Jul. 26th, 2012|12:39 am]
An idea:
part-time (9 credits/3 classes) at CCS in the fall (one is registered, another won't allow me to register online wtf)
one or two classes at Schoolcraft (liberal arts/art history/natural science)
(all in two or three weekdays, hopefully)
work 3 days a week or more
one day off

remove Crafts minor
look into Art Therapy minor, possibly add

look into Associate's and Bachelor's degrees with as many transferable credits as possible (Wayne State, Schoolcraft, OCC)
transfer to a store with better tips/pick up hours at Starbucks on Woodward, downtown

(and hopefully this will all help me find a path and a sense of purpose)
Link1 cmmnt|lv cmmnt

(no subject) [Jul. 19th, 2012|08:09 pm]
I go out at night, on impulse, and it feels like a movie. I love it.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2012|12:29 pm]
It feels so good to be out in the world, responsible (somewhat) for myself. It feels so good to be a car-ride away from whatever I want. It feels so good to have family who are understanding and helpful. It feels so good not to depend on any person for my happiness.

Even if I am unhappy and stressed much of the time, I must confess, life is pretty damn good.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Oct. 23rd, 2011|04:06 pm]
I feel no urge to be making art, other than my mind nagging me to do so because I'm supposed to be an "artist" and I probably should create something.

It's the same problem as usual-- tons of ideas, lack of motivation to execute them. Except I'm happy right now, even though I haven't really created anything in...months. Normally that wouldn't feel good to me. Normally, I am the most creative and productive when I am happy (I call bullshit on whoever says depressed people make for the greatest artists). I'm sure it's perfectly fine and normal and healthy to have shifts of interest and allow oneself to go through those periods of time to explore other things, while maintaining their primary desires and interests, but I'm enrolled in a school that costs upwards of $30k a year. Everyone takes it seriously and so do I. I truly want to go back but I feel passion growing in other areas and the intensity of CCS makes it difficult for me, personally, to nurse all of those passions with equal/appropriate attention.
What if I don't WANT to pour all of my energy into art anymore? Maybe I want to take a poli sci class. Maybe I want to start French again, or finally get to learning German. Maybe I want to spend a lot of time at my job. Maybe I want to hit the road whenever the fuck I feel like (around my work schedule, of course) without having to worry about my grades and obligations and other shit I honestly don't care about.
I feel like a useful person who contributes to the world, while benefiting personally from my efforts. I never felt like that, at least not to this extent, while in school--not during grade school, not during my freshman year of college.

This could all be well and good, ya know, I could go part time or something (although I don't want to- I don't really want to extend my time in college even more), BUT if I'm not a full-time student, my health insurance is affected. I know my dental insurance would be gone or severely reduced (which is terrible!! everyone knows i have bad bad teeth), don't know about the others though.

I just want to work and take a few classes and make shit and have studies and save money and get an apartment. I think if I could have a balance like that, I'd be pretty satisfied--at least in theory, since you never know how something will be until it actually happens.

We'll see. I can see and feel myself growing up rapidly and at first it was scary but now, not so much...it feels great. Slowly on my way toward self-reliance. Feels damn good, and I just see it getting better and better.
With that growth and responsibility come big choices, too, and I'm pretty pleased with my recent choices, but who knows what will happen down the road. I honestly have no idea what my life will actually be like by the time I turn 20...god I don't want to think about that. That's a grown-up age. fucking freaky. Okay, done with that topic; the point is that I've kinda gotten used to being in a seize-the-moment mindframe. I have to make shit happen for myself but look around and accept new opportunities. This attitude has served me well, I just hope it continues to lead me toward good things and I can be at the place I want to be sooner rather than later.

xx
Link1 cmmnt|lv cmmnt

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