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[May. 19th, 2025|06:01 pm]
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| [ | music |
| | justice v simian - "we are your friends" | ] |
 friends only (comment here if you'd like me to add you) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2012|05:23 am]
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During one of the many general life conversations I had on my brother's wedding day (this past Saturday, the 8th), a family member expressed to me how it was such a shame that so many people go through life with talents and skills that they never use. She thought it was so great how I wasn't wasting mine, and I'm going to school to follow my dream and hone my talent in art (in more or less words).
I couldn't help but think, she's right, she's so right, but I think I am wasting my real talent.
I'm too pragmatic nowadays, I don't see the point of so many of the things I'm doing. It's time to move on and figure something out, and stop wasting my time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2012|11:23 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I hate monotony I hate working so much I hate being busy all the fucking time I hate my time management skills I hate stupidity I hate teenagers I hate that weird soreness/swelling in my lymph node I hate planning for school I hate being lonely I hate attracting all the attention I don't want I hate when I complain like this I hate growing up I hate bitchy coworkers I hate constant scheduling I hate planning ahead I hate that this is how life goes.
I'm incredibly free and I know that but I feel so trapped. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2012|04:00 am]
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DAMMIT STOP I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME AND I CAN TELL THEY'RE STILL THERE AND FUCK |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2012|06:28 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
I don't think it's a good sign that I'm looking at all of these class offerings and thinking, "Why the fuck would I ever need to know how to do that? And why should I pay $2000 to learn skills I doubt I will ever use just to get a credit?" |
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| brainstorming |
[Jul. 26th, 2012|12:39 am]
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An idea:
part-time (9 credits/3 classes) at CCS in the fall (one is registered, another won't allow me to register online wtf)
one or two classes at Schoolcraft (liberal arts/art history/natural science)
(all in two or three weekdays, hopefully)
work 3 days a week or more
one day off
remove Crafts minor
look into Art Therapy minor, possibly add
look into Associate's and Bachelor's degrees with as many transferable credits as possible (Wayne State, Schoolcraft, OCC)
transfer to a store with better tips/pick up hours at Starbucks on Woodward, downtown
(and hopefully this will all help me find a path and a sense of purpose) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2012|08:09 pm]
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I go out at night, on impulse, and it feels like a movie. I love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2012|12:29 pm]
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It feels so good to be out in the world, responsible (somewhat) for myself. It feels so good to be a car-ride away from whatever I want. It feels so good to have family who are understanding and helpful. It feels so good not to depend on any person for my happiness.
Even if I am unhappy and stressed much of the time, I must confess, life is pretty damn good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2011|04:06 pm]
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I feel no urge to be making art, other than my mind nagging me to do so because I'm supposed to be an "artist" and I probably should create something.
It's the same problem as usual-- tons of ideas, lack of motivation to execute them. Except I'm happy right now, even though I haven't really created anything in...months. Normally that wouldn't feel good to me. Normally, I am the most creative and productive when I am happy (I call bullshit on whoever says depressed people make for the greatest artists). I'm sure it's perfectly fine and normal and healthy to have shifts of interest and allow oneself to go through those periods of time to explore other things, while maintaining their primary desires and interests, but I'm enrolled in a school that costs upwards of $30k a year. Everyone takes it seriously and so do I. I truly want to go back but I feel passion growing in other areas and the intensity of CCS makes it difficult for me, personally, to nurse all of those passions with equal/appropriate attention.
What if I don't WANT to pour all of my energy into art anymore? Maybe I want to take a poli sci class. Maybe I want to start French again, or finally get to learning German. Maybe I want to spend a lot of time at my job. Maybe I want to hit the road whenever the fuck I feel like (around my work schedule, of course) without having to worry about my grades and obligations and other shit I honestly don't care about.
I feel like a useful person who contributes to the world, while benefiting personally from my efforts. I never felt like that, at least not to this extent, while in school--not during grade school, not during my freshman year of college.
This could all be well and good, ya know, I could go part time or something (although I don't want to- I don't really want to extend my time in college even more), BUT if I'm not a full-time student, my health insurance is affected. I know my dental insurance would be gone or severely reduced (which is terrible!! everyone knows i have bad bad teeth), don't know about the others though.
I just want to work and take a few classes and make shit and have studies and save money and get an apartment. I think if I could have a balance like that, I'd be pretty satisfied--at least in theory, since you never know how something will be until it actually happens.
We'll see. I can see and feel myself growing up rapidly and at first it was scary but now, not so much...it feels great. Slowly on my way toward self-reliance. Feels damn good, and I just see it getting better and better.
With that growth and responsibility come big choices, too, and I'm pretty pleased with my recent choices, but who knows what will happen down the road. I honestly have no idea what my life will actually be like by the time I turn 20...god I don't want to think about that. That's a grown-up age. fucking freaky. Okay, done with that topic; the point is that I've kinda gotten used to being in a seize-the-moment mindframe. I have to make shit happen for myself but look around and accept new opportunities. This attitude has served me well, I just hope it continues to lead me toward good things and I can be at the place I want to be sooner rather than later.
xx |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2011|03:59 am]
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Fuck my health. Fuck what people around me think. Fuck what they know. Fuck their judgment, open or covert. Say it to my face. Don't be a fucking wimp.
I'm a hypocrite. Isn't everyone, though?
So just...fuck it. Fuck 'virtue' and predefined morals and standards set by some shallow grip our culture has on the traditions and uninformed assumptions of our ancestors...Fuck tradition. Fuck parachutes, or landing pads. Fuck safety nets imposed by others. Fuck the limits.
You can box yourself in, and be a homebody, or be outgoing, or be gay, or heterosexual, or transgendered, androgynous, cisgender...and you can be in love, or single, or a parent, or a worker, or an artist, a volunteer, a taxi driver....You could be a superficial youth desperate to fit into the limitations of a certain 'scene' or fashion...You could be the person who literally wears whatever is on the floor that they like, fuck what the others think, fuck what the Current Times dictate. The point is, you can be anything, seemingly free or restricted, but ultimately under the intense power of free will...we can CHOOSE what kind of limitations to allow ourselves to live by. We have the free power to set up and break down standards and limits and expectations and cultures and civilizations and anything else, anything...there are few limits, in my opinion, that the human mind cannot breach. Some things, like those of mystical, spiritual nature, the creation of the universe, etc so much more...I believe these can never be completely understood. Maybe that rare person will 'get' it...maybe it will be passed on to others...maybe the answer will die with that person. Or maybe it will never happen.
I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know, however, I have the choice to change things, find the answers, pursue whatever it is I am after.
And I am free to do it in whatever way I fucking want. |
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empiredownx