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alex rose

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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2025|06:01 pm]
[music |justice v simian - "we are your friends"]


friends only
(comment here if you'd like me to add you)
Link52 cmmnts|lv cmmnt

(no subject) [Oct. 23rd, 2011|04:06 pm]
I feel no urge to be making art, other than my mind nagging me to do so because I'm supposed to be an "artist" and I probably should create something.

It's the same problem as usual-- tons of ideas, lack of motivation to execute them. Except I'm happy right now, even though I haven't really created anything in...months. Normally that wouldn't feel good to me. Normally, I am the most creative and productive when I am happy (I call bullshit on whoever says depressed people make for the greatest artists). I'm sure it's perfectly fine and normal and healthy to have shifts of interest and allow oneself to go through those periods of time to explore other things, while maintaining their primary desires and interests, but I'm enrolled in a school that costs upwards of $30k a year. Everyone takes it seriously and so do I. I truly want to go back but I feel passion growing in other areas and the intensity of CCS makes it difficult for me, personally, to nurse all of those passions with equal/appropriate attention.
What if I don't WANT to pour all of my energy into art anymore? Maybe I want to take a poli sci class. Maybe I want to start French again, or finally get to learning German. Maybe I want to spend a lot of time at my job. Maybe I want to hit the road whenever the fuck I feel like (around my work schedule, of course) without having to worry about my grades and obligations and other shit I honestly don't care about.
I feel like a useful person who contributes to the world, while benefiting personally from my efforts. I never felt like that, at least not to this extent, while in school--not during grade school, not during my freshman year of college.

This could all be well and good, ya know, I could go part time or something (although I don't want to- I don't really want to extend my time in college even more), BUT if I'm not a full-time student, my health insurance is affected. I know my dental insurance would be gone or severely reduced (which is terrible!! everyone knows i have bad bad teeth), don't know about the others though.

I just want to work and take a few classes and make shit and have studies and save money and get an apartment. I think if I could have a balance like that, I'd be pretty satisfied--at least in theory, since you never know how something will be until it actually happens.

We'll see. I can see and feel myself growing up rapidly and at first it was scary but now, not so much...it feels great. Slowly on my way toward self-reliance. Feels damn good, and I just see it getting better and better.
With that growth and responsibility come big choices, too, and I'm pretty pleased with my recent choices, but who knows what will happen down the road. I honestly have no idea what my life will actually be like by the time I turn 20...god I don't want to think about that. That's a grown-up age. fucking freaky. Okay, done with that topic; the point is that I've kinda gotten used to being in a seize-the-moment mindframe. I have to make shit happen for myself but look around and accept new opportunities. This attitude has served me well, I just hope it continues to lead me toward good things and I can be at the place I want to be sooner rather than later.

xx
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(no subject) [Jul. 3rd, 2011|03:59 am]
[Tags|, ]

Fuck my health. Fuck what people around me think. Fuck what they know. Fuck their judgment, open or covert. Say it to my face. Don't be a fucking wimp.
I'm a hypocrite. Isn't everyone, though?
So just...fuck it. Fuck 'virtue' and predefined morals and standards set by some shallow grip our culture has on the traditions and uninformed assumptions of our ancestors...Fuck tradition. Fuck parachutes, or landing pads. Fuck safety nets imposed by others. Fuck the limits.

You can box yourself in, and be a homebody, or be outgoing, or be gay, or heterosexual, or transgendered, androgynous, cisgender...and you can be in love, or single, or a parent, or a worker, or an artist, a volunteer, a taxi driver....You could be a superficial youth desperate to fit into the limitations of a certain 'scene' or fashion...You could be the person who literally wears whatever is on the floor that they like, fuck what the others think, fuck what the Current Times dictate. The point is, you can be anything, seemingly free or restricted, but ultimately under the intense power of free will...we can CHOOSE what kind of limitations to allow ourselves to live by. We have the free power to set up and break down standards and limits and expectations and cultures and civilizations and anything else, anything...there are few limits, in my opinion, that the human mind cannot breach. Some things, like those of mystical, spiritual nature, the creation of the universe, etc so much more...I believe these can never be completely understood. Maybe that rare person will 'get' it...maybe it will be passed on to others...maybe the answer will die with that person. Or maybe it will never happen.

I don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know, however, I have the choice to change things, find the answers, pursue whatever it is I am after.

And I am free to do it in whatever way I fucking want.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2011|04:04 am]
[mood |peacefulpeaceful]
[music |ladytron - "light & magic"]

I'm so close to having a clean room!! Granted it's still a mess, but I've realized I don't have ANYTHING left so sort thru! I have all the unnecessary stuff boxed up, i have a place for everything else, i've thrown out at least 8 bags of clothes and countless bags of trash and shit i don't need. now i just have to sort out the depths of under the bed, find room for a couple more things to be put away, and decide where to keep the boxes. i'll prob sort my closet and try to make room for them there. maybe i'll get rid of that stupid shoe rack that doesn't work.

(my stoned rambles of feng shui, anime, epiphanies, silliness, learning) )

this is like the longest fucking entry ever. i doubt anyone will read it all the way through but thank youuu if you do.
i'm having a good night, hope you are too. ♥
Link1 cmmnt|lv cmmnt

DPRK [Jun. 1st, 2011|06:53 am]
[mood |shockedstunned]

just watched two short documentaries about north korea, first a national geographic special featuring lisa ling, the other called 'Kimjongilia', which actually is named after a flower created for kim jong il to represent "peace, love, wisdom, and justice". i can't believe that's not a joke. i am sickened, i am horrified. and having spent so many hours reading about this and reading or watching accounts from people who reached the brink of death trying to escape, i cannot understand why it seems like no one is doing anything about this, not on a large scale. how. how can people have all of this information available to them and not DO anything? how can your heart not weep knowing that our family in north korea is suffering every single day? i sound like a PSA or a hippie i know, but i can't recall ever feeling so strongly about a political issue--except this isn't really a political issue, it is a matter of human rights. i have never felt so lucky to have the myriad of privileges in my life. and now i want to take control of my life more than ever so that i can be involved. i hope this feeling lasts. for the past few days somehow i have gone from a person with no opinion or information about this to someone who feels horrified and passionate about reaching out to my fellow human being. i can't believe that there are so many people being tortured under the illusion of splendor and normalcy, being sent to camps, being indoctrinated into a belief system that only causes pain and suffering...now? in 2011? for the past 5 decades? how sick. how very very fucking sick.

these people are demonized under the name of patriotism--people seem to see north koreans as a nation of horrible communist bastards who threaten our existence when they are really just people. they are indoctrinated people, and yes, they do not respect the US, maybe some of them don't even know anything is wrong--but that is because they have spent their entire lives under the rule of a regime that totally cuts them off from the reality of the world around them. they have no basis for comparison. they have no spectrum of information to consider like we do here. they can't look on wikipedia and read about the difference between democrats, republicans, and libertarians. they can't go to the library and check out a George Orwell book. they can't watch CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC, they can't visit different kinds of churches--they can't even go to church--and they can't diverge. i can sit here if i want and tell the world every reason why i don't love Obama. they say a word against their "Dear Leader"/"President for Life" and it's off to prison camp, or surveillance. they don't have the information or the freedom to make something much better for themselves, unless maybe they are one of the few who live in the capital, who can aim to be higher up members of the military, and maybe even eat two or three meals a day! such excitement.

people can complain all they want about capitalism and how no man is truly free, and though i agree, that is an entirely different topic. what i don't agree with is how all of these people dwell on what is wrong in their hometown, how prices go up, (and yes that is completely valid) but pay no attention to atrocities occurring to people who breathe the same air as us, have the same emotions as us, need the same things we do. i picture my own family being shipped off to a fucking prison camp for doing something "wrong" and i'm sick to my stomach, i can't even really imagine it. and it's no different for them.

so in short, i am disgusted, but i have found a new cause. i honestly hope that i stick with it. i am suddenly aware of the use that i can have for the world, and with so much freedom i really can make a difference, even if that is only from telling people, sharing opinions, learning. every little thing makes a difference, every new particle of knowledge makes a difference. and now what do i do with that?
Link1 cmmnt|lv cmmnt

(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2011|09:56 pm]
[music |killing joke - "european super state"]

I want to have a shitty cheap apartment with cracked old wood floors and red wine stains on the couch. I want to fill it with cheap antiques and nice antiques and paintings and things I made and books and dvds and weird shit from yard sales and taxidermy creatures. I want floral cushions and dead flowers in vases on the table and a wooden easel I made or bought cheap. I want pots and pans and a full spice rack. I want a big intricate but old rug that has paintstains all over it. I want to make a bowl out of ceramic and smoke from it all the time in my own damn living room. I want to live with someone who is reasonably messy but not dirty. I want someone sweet and smart or somebody terrible and bad for me to sleep over and do sweet things for me. I want to spend all day at the museum and then make srichacha macaroni and drink Blue Moon or Dr Pepper or wine. I want to have my license and drive Nina around and go on aimless adventures just to see something new, either alone, or with aforementioned companion. I want to be satisfied and not so worried about having to work to satisfy anyone else. I want a job where I can keep my hair unusual colors and I can just socialize with people all day and answer questions. I want to bind books, all kinds of books, books for gifts, books as sketchpads, books as art pieces, books of coordinating illustrations, books of writings. I want my whole place to smell only vaguely likes cigarettes but mostly like flowers. I want to always have a drawer full of fruit and a giant can of Hawaiian coffee in the fridge. I want to share Lindor Truffles and Ferrero Rochers with someone I care for. I want to throw parties there and have everybody know where it is. I want to use deer antlers as a coatrack. I want to take all the little old things I've found at home and make big amazing collages from them and have them all over my bedroom walls. I want transparent dull pink ruffly curtains. I want ugly gnome lamps. I want a tiger tapestry. I want a baby marijuana plant in my storage closet. I want space, a real space that belongs to me, not a temporary space where I have no true privacy, not a tiny bedroom in a house that is not technically mine, not a place where I have no room to breathe, to do what I want, to organize however I want, to make as much noise as I want or be as quiet as I want and not feel disturbed. I want to get out and grow up. I want something that's really mine and fully real. I want that security, I want that love. I romanticize everything so much, of course. I'm realizing now though that I'm allowed to dream, and these dreams aren't all just dreams...maybe they can be made reality.


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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2010|12:06 am]
Fuck everyone and everything.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2010|05:28 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

i must be a horribly confusing person to be friends with. i know i rant and sound like i'm on the verge of stepping off a ledge most of the time when i post, but truthfully, i only feel like that maybe 15% of the time. the rest of my life is going swimmingly. i don't write as much about those things because when i am happy, i just go with it and let it happen and make the most of it; when i am upset, i have to stop and let it flow out from me otherwise it will simmer under the surface and get worse.
i am still not pleased about how the breakup happened but i feel so much lighter now, and like i can just be as frivolous as i want, but really focus on the things that are important. my priorities right now are school, taking care of myself, staying alive, learning as much as i can, and really coming into who i am as a person. and well, having fun. life is too fucking short not to have fun. i could drop dead any second and i need to make the absolute most of, and do exactly what it is that feels right, at every moment.
I went to a party last night with a huge group of my girlfriends and had a time of my life. I feel so surrounded by love here and it is completely surreal. I have never been surrounded by so many fascinating and loving and beautiful people before, ever. I thought I would come here and still be completely miserable and alone, but I've had the exact opposite effect; people like me, they really like me! Hahaha. I am open now in a way that I never have been before, and most everyone else is the same way, so we all gravitate toward each other. It is such a comforting feeling.

Because I am bored and waiting for my food to be done; here is a meme. This is what I like to do instead of my Drawing homework. woo.

STEP ONE: )

seeyasoon.
Linklv cmmnt

(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2010|02:16 pm]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |celebutante - "new york girls"]

Stole this from [info]listensostill , do it if you like

three names you go by:
1. alexis
2. lexi
3. alex

three things you like about yourself:
1. open-mindedness
2. style
3. capacity to love

three things you don't like about yourself:
1. emotional instability
2. artistic inconsistency
3. shyness at times

three parts of your heritage:
1. polish
2. african-american
3. native american

three things that scare you:
1. death
2. large/deep bodies of water
3. loneliness

three of your everyday essentials:
1. eyeshadow
2. cigarettes
3. a beverage of some sort

three things you are wearing right now:
1. pajama pants with tattoo-print
2. CCS teeshirt
3. rainbow-striped underwear

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. siouxsie and the banshees
2. interpol
3. lady gaga

three of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. "howl" - florence and the machine
2. "magnetic baby" - semi precious weapons
3. "like a G6" - far east movement

three new things you want to try in the next year:
1. have sex with a man
2. mediterranean food
3. ride a bicycle

three things you want in a relationship:
1. affection
2. compassion and understanding
3. a compatible level of intellect and knowledge

two truths and a lie:
1. i want to move to new york city
2. i write poems more often than i paint, even though i'm supposed to be a "visual artist"
3. i'm always the center of attention

three physical traits of people that appeal to you:
1. eyes--mainly the expression behind them, but i love large, deep eyes
2. facial bone structure (cheekbones and jawline)
3. hair--wild, crazy, wonderful, ideally natural hair

three things you just can't do:
1. keep my nailpolish from chipping within a day
2. swim competently
3. lie to appease someone else

three of your hobbies:
1. dig up new music
2. loaf around with friends
3. go see live music--though it's been months since i've gone to a show :(

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. kiss my favorite girl
2. buy all my crap for collage
3. go out and be around people

three careers you're considering:
1. gallery artist
2. tattoo artist
3. mega-popstar (in my dreams)

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. los angeles
2. moscow
3. berlin

three kids names:
1. liliana calliope
2. sebastian apollo
3. alexandria clio

three things you want to do before you die:
1. find real love
2. have a gallery installation of my work in NYC
3. see every continent
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i'm bored so i stole these from erin :) [May. 28th, 2010|04:51 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |"let me kiss you" - morrissey]

Q&A Meme
- Leave a comment saying "Beam me up, Scotty!"  "You! I want to take you to a gay bar!" "Inconceivable!" "You wanna go?!"
- I'll respond by asking you five questions to satisfy my curiosity.
- Update your journal with the answers to your questions.
- Include this explanation and offer to ask other people questions.


My questions from [info]listensostill , my one tru luv
commence the rambling )


Flickr mosaic:

- Answer each of the questions below using the Flickr Search engine.
- Choose a photo from the first three pages.
- Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: 
bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
- Save mosaic to some form of photo hosting thing and share with the world.

1. First Name
2. Favorite Food
3. Hometown
4. Favorite Color
5. Celebrity Crush
6. Favorite Drink
7. Dream Vacation
8. Favorite Dessert
9. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
10. What I Love Most In The World
11. One Word That Describes Me
12. My LiveJournal Name

Link4 cmmnts|lv cmmnt

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